Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
