I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
