He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
