This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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