She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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