mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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