I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
