There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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