You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
