I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
