I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
