Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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