I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
