my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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