there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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