she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
