I think I died a long time ago.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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