My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Sorry about my life...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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