is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
