Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
