I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
