My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Randomize
