I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
