his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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