whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think my fart just growled at me.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
