If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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