I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
