So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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