Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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