Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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