Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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