seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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