it hurts more in the daytime
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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