He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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