she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
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we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
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I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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