i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
