is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
