Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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