Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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