weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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