So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
