Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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