i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
