I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
