That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
