youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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