Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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