good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
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you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize