I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
