I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
