Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
