Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
