Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
No more Irish car bombs ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
