I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
