I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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