I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
