made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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