before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
