i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
