Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
