clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
