I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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