I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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