If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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