if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
