A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I think people are normalizing furries
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
