She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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