Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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